Like a fool.

I wish I didn’t come.

I wish I didn’t fall.

I wish I could turn back the time.

Maybe, my life would be easier and happier.

Or I wish, I could date president’s son for real lol.

You did nothing.

Someone said,

 “You did nothing.”

When all you ever did were giving your best.

Fading.

 “I am fading away slowly

and you aren’t even noticing.”

Pity.

She has grown so tired to pretend like everything’s fine.

She doesn’t even feel the excitement, while she’s counting down.

She pretend all her life are about fairytale, in fact all her life are nightmares.

She hide it for too long, to protect someone’s pride, and now even sleep doesn’t help.

She feel like the maps already torn and the wings I had already cut off.

She doesn’t know who is she anymore.

She lost, and it’s too late to realize.

So this is how it feels

 I thought it was easy to let go

Turned out its hard..

We never see its coming

Suddenly hit us

I knew it wasn’t your fault 

I knew for sure how much you love us

I have nothing to say

Never imagine this come to us

It hurts so much

Even I hurt my palm with my nails to feel another pain

The pain of losing us indescribable 

It hurts from head to toe

I lost in pain

I want to hug you tight

Cry on your shoulder

Cursed the universe

I barely breathing 

We were at our best moment the day before

How could things change within a day

Tell me how to survive 

Where should I go

Tell me how to breath

2021

 Hi..

Been a while..

I thought 2021 would be nice, would be my wonderful year lol.

But thats life, right? End up with some plot twists.

I cursed him a lot last night, more than ever,

I put the blame on him,

But deep down, it was all my mistake to start this.. to trust this..

I owe my self the love that I freely give to him.

And this time,

I want to let go,

Let go of things I can't change,

Let go of our dreams,

This time,

I don't want to accept anything less.

Perhaps.. it was a sign

A sign that we couldn't make it no matter how hard we try

A sign that we're not meant to be

It was all clear, we just keep denying.

Deep down, we already know the truth.

One question ;

how could you take someone without any preparation?

I wonder..

So let's ignore each other

Try yo pretend the other person doesn't exist

Let it hurt, then let it go.

darkest place, feb 2021.

S.

Supermoon

...and like the moon,
we must go through
phases of emptiness
to feel full again

:)
:))

xx,

supermoon.

Happiness?

People said,
“Don’t trust people easily”

But sometimes, we just ignore it.
We put trust on someone so deep
We give our heart to them
We put our happiness on them

We forget
We can’t put our happiness in other people’s hands
You know why?
Because they’ll drop it
They will easily drop it

xx,

another side of happiness

Say it louder

“There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough.”

-S.

Shall we?

Oh, hi!

I thought, universe has been doing a great job?
Cut the distance
Grant the presence

Oh, hi!
We forget
Its you

Grumbling all the time
Sticking at your lowest point
I thought, I was giving my other luck?

Oh, hi!
We forget
Its you

Faking is your first name
Complaining is your middle name
Suffering is your last name

You came this far, yet you always bring the bad luck.

Come here,
I give you little words;

If its too hard to be with me,
We can just stop
You can just go


-S.

Amnesia.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things.
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you and the memories I never can escape.
Cause I’m not fine at all.

Lie to me

“...now I wish we’d never met
cause you’re too hard to forget.”

Where are you

These past few days I keep coming back to our memories
I close my eyes, there you are
Throwing your lame jokes,
Laughing with your best lips
Talking about many things, because no one can be your listener like I did

These past few days
I miss you, a lot
I do

How..

“When did everything get so screwed up?
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I don’t know who I am anymore..”

Rewrite the stars

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don't keep saying our hands are tied
You claim it's not in the cards
Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you're my destiny?

What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You'd be the one I was meant to find
It's up to you, and it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don't we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
Tonight

You think it's easy
You think I don't want to run to you
But there are mountains
And there are doors that we can't walk through
I know you're wondering why
Because we're able to be
Just you and me
Within these walls
But when we go outside
You're going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all

No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I'm not the one you were meant to find
It's not up to you
It's not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
Tonight

All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you

It feels impossible (it's not impossible)
Is it impossible?

Say that it's possible

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
But I can't have you
We're bound to break and my hands are tied

The art of crying

“why do you keep crying?” her friend replied.

“to tell my self that everything’s gonna be fine after this..”she gasped.

“he doesn’t even care, he’s not gonna be here.
he has his own life, yours too.
while you’re here crying yourself to sleep, crying until drop
maybe, he’s there enjoying his life, build new conversation everyday, laugh to his new friends..
maybe, you don’t even cross his mind, he doesn’t love you as much as you think.
what’s the point? you still cry in your empty room, you cry whenever you miss him” her friend keep telling the truth.

“how could you say that?” she asked.

“you don’t give up on someone you love, you don’t let go of them easily.” her friend replied.

“I’m the one who give up on us..” she whispered.

“then, he doesn’t love you.
if you’re the one who give up you’re not gonna be here, crying yourself to sleep, keep calling his name, keep telling yourself that you miss him.
you’re just gonna give up and gone, like he did.
or at least, if he loves you he won’t let you go, he will protect you, he will try everything he can just to keep you, don’t be stupid..
you’re not the one he wanted, stop crying.” her friend explained.

“let me cry until I can’t remember the way he loved me,
until I can’t remember things we did,
until I feel nothing at all whenever I see something related to him,
when I don’t even cry whenever I miss him and I remember us, that finally I can tell my self that he doesn’t love me as much as you said, or perhaps he doesn’t love me at all” she left with her swollen eyes.

Go on

“..you are going to be okay”
he replied.

The worst decision ever. See? You take the risk. You lose. You destroy us. “you are going to be okay” you said. In fact, nothing left. Bolder line, further distance, time difference, unstable, vulnerable. You know, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. This time, I blame you. Take your risk. You lose me, you lose us. You’ll see, I’m going to be okay as you said.

-Vanilla

A place full of sh*t

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It was a disaster.

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It destroyed us.

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Unstable.
Vulnerable.
You’re gone too soon,
to a place full of sh*t.

I give up,
to a place full of sh*t
to those empty promises
to those unreachable future
to us.

I,
give up on us.
Wishing you get a lot of happiness in a place full of sh*t, in your place.

-Vanilla.

Definitely

hold on,
time will heal..
you’ll be okay..
just a moment,
hold on..

close your eyes,
take a deep breath,
feel the air,
breathing..

time will heal,
definitely..

Another night of “craving you”

“...a deep, tight, and long hug after office would be nice.
You close the door and drown yourself to me.
I hug you tight to make sure this is not dream.
...a sweet and gentle kiss before sleep would be nice.
You grab my face, pull me closer.
I push my lips against yours.
...a little touch of your hand in the morning would be nice.
You touch me slowly.
I fall too deep.”

if only we had another chance,
if only we can build another dream,
if only we last forever.
it would be nice.

will you?
can we?

I love you,
I always do.

-S.