Amnesia.

I wish that I could wake up with amnesia and forget about the stupid little things.
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you and the memories I never can escape.
Cause I’m not fine at all.

Lie to me

“...now I wish we’d never met
cause you’re too hard to forget.”

Where are you

These past few days I keep coming back to our memories
I close my eyes, there you are
Throwing your lame jokes,
Laughing with your best lips
Talking about many things, because no one can be your listener like I did

These past few days
I miss you, a lot
I do

How..

“When did everything get so screwed up?
This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I don’t know who I am anymore..”

Rewrite the stars

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don't keep saying our hands are tied
You claim it's not in the cards
Fate is pulling you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you're my destiny?

What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You'd be the one I was meant to find
It's up to you, and it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don't we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
Tonight

You think it's easy
You think I don't want to run to you
But there are mountains
And there are doors that we can't walk through
I know you're wondering why
Because we're able to be
Just you and me
Within these walls
But when we go outside
You're going to wake up and see that it was hopeless after all

No one can rewrite the stars
How can you say you'll be mine?
Everything keeps us apart
And I'm not the one you were meant to find
It's not up to you
It's not up to me
When everyone tells us what we can be
How can we rewrite the stars?
Say that the world can be ours
Tonight

All I want is to fly with you
All I want is to fall with you
So just give me all of you

It feels impossible (it's not impossible)
Is it impossible?

Say that it's possible

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
But I can't have you
We're bound to break and my hands are tied

The art of crying

“why do you keep crying?” her friend replied.

“to tell my self that everything’s gonna be fine after this..”she gasped.

“he doesn’t even care, he’s not gonna be here.
he has his own life, yours too.
while you’re here crying yourself to sleep, crying until drop
maybe, he’s there enjoying his life, build new conversation everyday, laugh to his new friends..
maybe, you don’t even cross his mind, he doesn’t love you as much as you think.
what’s the point? you still cry in your empty room, you cry whenever you miss him” her friend keep telling the truth.

“how could you say that?” she asked.

“you don’t give up on someone you love, you don’t let go of them easily.” her friend replied.

“I’m the one who give up on us..” she whispered.

“then, he doesn’t love you.
if you’re the one who give up you’re not gonna be here, crying yourself to sleep, keep calling his name, keep telling yourself that you miss him.
you’re just gonna give up and gone, like he did.
or at least, if he loves you he won’t let you go, he will protect you, he will try everything he can just to keep you, don’t be stupid..
you’re not the one he wanted, stop crying.” her friend explained.

“let me cry until I can’t remember the way he loved me,
until I can’t remember things we did,
until I feel nothing at all whenever I see something related to him,
when I don’t even cry whenever I miss him and I remember us, that finally I can tell my self that he doesn’t love me as much as you said, or perhaps he doesn’t love me at all” she left with her swollen eyes.

Go on

“..you are going to be okay”
he replied.

The worst decision ever. See? You take the risk. You lose. You destroy us. “you are going to be okay” you said. In fact, nothing left. Bolder line, further distance, time difference, unstable, vulnerable. You know, it wasn’t supposed to end like this. This time, I blame you. Take your risk. You lose me, you lose us. You’ll see, I’m going to be okay as you said.

-Vanilla

A place full of sh*t

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It was a disaster.

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It destroyed us.

Since the day you left,
I just realized..
It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Unstable.
Vulnerable.
You’re gone too soon,
to a place full of sh*t.

I give up,
to a place full of sh*t
to those empty promises
to those unreachable future
to us.

I,
give up on us.
Wishing you get a lot of happiness in a place full of sh*t, in your place.

-Vanilla.

Definitely

hold on,
time will heal..
you’ll be okay..
just a moment,
hold on..

close your eyes,
take a deep breath,
feel the air,
breathing..

time will heal,
definitely..

Another night of “craving you”

“...a deep, tight, and long hug after office would be nice.
You close the door and drown yourself to me.
I hug you tight to make sure this is not dream.
...a sweet and gentle kiss before sleep would be nice.
You grab my face, pull me closer.
I push my lips against yours.
...a little touch of your hand in the morning would be nice.
You touch me slowly.
I fall too deep.”

if only we had another chance,
if only we can build another dream,
if only we last forever.
it would be nice.

will you?
can we?

I love you,
I always do.

-S.

If only

If only I could turn back time..
If only I could..

-Sz

As always

Time flies too fast
I don’t know who I am anymore

I miss you,
again,
as always
do you know that?


...I guess you dont

Lost again

What time is it?
Why do I still cry?
Why do I cry?
What makes me cry?

I cried a lot, these nights
Suffocating
Going to explode
So I cried

Do you ever know that feeling?
You just want to cry, a lot
You have no idea what to do
You have nowhere to go
You have no one to lean on
Cry yourself to sleep
When morning comes, you’ll be fine again

What is that?
Do I miss you?
But, what’s the point of missing you?

I think I need a shelter,
a shoulder to cry,
a chest to lean on.
I’m lost..

Last poem.

“..then I fall in love.

And everything turns into colour.

Everything that looked so small and insignificant in black and white,

looks wonderful in colour. 

I notice everything.

..and then I get my heartbroken; and my polychrome reality fades away to black and white again.

But I’m confused. 

I’ve been in colour for so long 

I’ve forgotten how it's like to live in black and white. 

I stumble around lost, 

so nothing will ever be the same.

..for anything that ever happened to us,
I blame you
you can’t keep your promises,
you can’t guide us,
you did nothing
I blame you

..let’s ignore each other,

try to pretend the other person doesn’t exist,

loving you was the most exquisite form of self destruction.”

-S.

I can’t reach you.

Tonight is the first time I can’t reach you.
Pain through my veins.
Where’s my shelter?
I need my medicine.
I’m dying.

-S.

Another goodbye

I wish I could’ve been there,
just to hug you tight
before give you another goodbye.

Both of us were suffocating,
forget how to breath
I was pressing my nails to my palm
until it bleeding
I was biting my tongue
to feel my blood
I need to feel another pain.

-S.

At least.

At least (as I’ve seen you from here)
you’re okay,
you’ve survived,

At least (as I’ve seen you from here)
my absence has been so long
that my presence no longer matters

-S.

Playlist; Until I find you again.

“Lately I’ve bern trying
to fill up my days since you’re gone
The speed of love is blinding
and I didn’t know how to hold on
My mind won’t clear, I’m out of tears
My heart’s got no room left inside.

How many dreams will end?
How long can I pretend?
How many times will love pass me by,
...until I find you again?


I’d hold you tighter,
closer than ever before
no flame would burn brighter
if I could touch you once more,
hold you once more..“

-S.

Memories.

I keep collecting our memories,

I keep coming to our places,

I want to see us,

Street food,

Round table,

Ballroom,

Empty,

but I see us

through the memories

I see us,

We were laughing to your lame jokes,

We were smiling to each other without saying a word,

We were judging all of the people who passed in front of us,

How can I drown my self in your arms?

How can I hug you tight?

How can I hold your hand?

Tell me the perfect words to describe more than “I miss you”

Tell me..

-S.

Playlist; I’m not OK.

“Sick to my stomach

Four in the morning, I can’t sleep

In and out the city

I’m worried bout where you may be

Feels like I’ve been here

Stressing the things I can’t see

Where do you go? What do you do?

Without me, without me,

I’m not OK, I’m not OK.”

-S.

28

I can not write anything except,
I miss you.

Around this time,

we were there,
our own castle.

-S.

Friday. Rain. City.

Friday.
Rain.
City.

I used to hug you last friday,
drowning my self there.
I spill your parfume this friday,
to drowning in my own self and feel you.

I still play our games,
I still play our songs,
I still play our videos.

But one thing for sure,
it's not the same withour you.

Friday.
Rain.
City.

This time,
I should've drowned my self in your hug,
You should've held me tight,
We should've bursted the distance.

I getting my self lost,
yet you did nothing.
Please tell me what am I supposed to do?

Would you come to my dream?
Hug me? Just a moment, please?
Will you? Can we?
Tell me.

Friday.
Rain.
City.

You're not here.
I have nowhere to go.

-S.

Playlist; I almost do.

"..and I just want to tell you
it takes everything in me not to call you.
..and I wish I could run to you,
and I hope you know that
everytime I don't, I almost do."

-S.

Little short story #5

Cursed

"I cursed you.

That your fingertips will just remind forever in my spine up along of my hip,

no one can ever feel them.

That your hand only can tracing my jawline to my neck and keep going down,

no one can ever enjoy them.

That you will only give the warmth of your breath next to my ear,

no one can ever taste them.

That every of your gentle tug will always be mine,

no one can ever have them.

And I cursed you.

That you will never get enough from anyone but me.

That you and your mind will always craving me.

That you can not refuse even just the shadows of my soul."

You will always be 

my slave,

and my king.

-S.

Little short story #4

At the same gate.
The same plane.
The same time.

"I see you again through the same door
with you there and your arms wide open
ready to drown me to your hug"

no longer exists.

-S.

Little short story #3

In case you ever foolishly forget;
when
"I am madly in love with you, I do."
(supposed to) change into
"I was madly in love with you, I did."

- she whispered to him.

-S.

Little short story #2

He told her;
"Please, stay with me.
Hold my hand, I promise you.
I guide you to us."

-one of his empty promises.

-S.

Little short story #1

He asks her,

"Are you okay?"

She says,

"Yes"

and smile

They both know she was lying.

He's quite, then he holds her tighter, closer to his chest.

He kisses her forehead and tell her

"It's okay, we can through this. I'll see you soon in no time."

-S.

Excerpt a book I'll never write

"...at the end if I have to give up,
it is not because I stop loving you.
It is not because I,m goint to hate you.
It will be because I love you
and I don't want you to suffer."

Hold On

"...cause an empty room 

can be so loud
there's to many tears

to drown them out

so hold on, 

hold on, 

hold on, 

hold on."

Happy Birthday!

Dear self, 

Boom! Happy Birthday!✨

Thank you for being your own home, 

thank you for going through everything and still survive until today, thank you for always been there.. 🤗

There will be many ups&downs, 

all you gotta do is hangin’ on! That’s life 😉

Always remember the days you prayed for things you have now, you’re blessed.. Remember that. ❤️

You’ve done so many things, you’ve got your own.. 🤗

Once again, Happy Birthday!🎉🎁

Let’s face another journey, may Allah always bless you with love, health, and happiness! Welcome to the new page!✨

ps : stay strong! you can cry and laugh as much as you want, but remember at least you have your own self, you are your own home..

-xx,

your another boom❤️

Lost?

Stumbling,
Shaking,
Nowhere to go,

Where is home?
Where do I have to go?